Mommy issues: It’s exhausting to be the ‘mom friend’
The Burden of Being the Group’s Mother Figure
Bharatmorningnews.com – Every social circle inevitably produces one particular individual who quietly manages everything behind the scenes. This person answers phone calls regardless of the hour, often when callers are merely frustrated and stuck in congestion. They interpret casual invitations like “Let’s meet up” as personal assignments, then coordinate schedules, secure reservations, handle digital payments through Splitwise, and allow others to claim credit for organizing. Birthdays get remembered, reminders are sent, and group gifts are tracked. They review your work before submission and deliver surprise food deliveries during dull afternoons—while peers merely share viral videos. This isn’t simply friendship. This is motherhood without the title. While typically female, men can occupy this space too through protective instincts and desire to accommodate others.
Discovering the Role
The internet’s “Mom Friend” designation carries warmth and respect. Yet beneath this pleasant label lies considerable complexity. Rashmi Rajpurohit, now 28, only recognized her transformation when companions explicitly mentioned her maternal qualities. She routinely verified whether people had eaten, sent quick check-in messages whenever someone missed class, and automatically entered what she describes as “protector mode.” Before a winter excursion, she arrived early to prepare burgers for everyone without being asked.
“Nobody asked. I just knew I would feel better knowing they were taken care of,” she says. “I didn’t consciously decide to be the Mom Friend.”
These patterns rarely emerge through deliberate choice. Looking backward, most individuals recognize the indicators were present all along. For Rajpurohit, the role intensified after relocating to America in 2025 for graduate studies.
“There’s a different kind of responsibility that comes with being far from home. You become each other’s family in a way,” she says.
The position demands sacrifice.
“You get so used to putting yourself second that it slowly becomes your default setting. You stop asking ‘what do I need?’ because you are too busy answering that question for everyone else.”
The Unpaid Position
Madhumitha Subramanian, a 26-year-old business owner from Bengaluru, understood her reliability early. Her friends consistently sought her guidance.
“It’s because my friends come to me. It’s always, ‘I’ll ask Madhu; she will know what to do.'”
She responded by organizing gatherings, ensuring meals happened, keeping intoxicated companions hydrated, and confirming safe arrivals home.
“I always come home feeling happy,” she says. “But also like an event manager who finished the task.”
This labor remains uncompensated and frequently overlooked. Nevertheless, Mom Friends resist relinquishing control, worrying that stepping back might weaken bonds. They believe their nurturing capacity represents their greatest contribution. Dubai-based life and relationship coach Chetna Chakravarthy identifies this as a self-fulfilling cycle that doesn’t serve friendships well.
“Friends don’t choose one person and push them to assume the role; it’s usually that one of them steps up, because nurturing allows for a warm kind of control.”
Others find it easier to follow, making it difficult for the Mom Friend to request assistance, express vulnerability, or establish limits.
“It becomes your identity; you become the person that everyone goes to.”
Breaking the Pattern
Certain individuals embrace this role more naturally. Many Mom Friends grew up as eldest daughters or spent childhood years caring for others, according to Chakravarthy. The answer isn’t abandoning care entirely. Rather, Mom Friends need relationships where support moves in both directions.
“Healthier, more reciprocal friendships occur when there are other people around the Mom Friend who are just as strong,” she says.
Perhaps the remedy involves not waiting for the Mom Friend to solve everything independently. Instead, circle members should volunteer for organizational duties and allow that person to simply exist as a friend occasionally.
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